On March 4th I received an email from a subscriber, and this is what he had to say:
“Hi John I’m a new subscriber. I’m conducting an experiment that is related to your video ‘MGTOW With Benefits’ and I wanted to get your opinion on the matter. I’m involved in an interesting personal experiment. My Ex girlfriend was the final nail in the coffin that lead me to MGTOW, after she dumped me for the cock carousel. She is pursuing me again because I am a hell of a catch. I engage in sex with her for a few reasons, the first the obvious, that she is hot and does what I like, but most importantly my sex relationship with her strengthens my MGTOW resolve. It is a reminder of why I go my own way, but this time around I put myself in the position of control. I never pursue her or ask for sex, when she peruses me I take advantage. It puts me in the dominant polarity because I am fulfilling her needs.”
This is a novel point of view, that this correspondent is in a dominant polarity because he is fulfilling his ex-girlfriend’s needs. His comment continues:
“I also know how she manipulates and lies, and I know all her tricks now that I don’t believe in the mystical NAWALT (not all women are like that). I figure it’s better the scorpion you know than the one you don’t know.”
I think there are more options than just those two. For example, I don’t let people into my bedroom or my life who I know to be manipulating schemers. Better to have no scorpions at all. But our correspondent continues:
“To her I’m just the happy no stress fun loving guy that she has to now chase.”
I’m going to have to interject again. He does not know how she perceives him. This is important and, for his own sake, I hope the gentleman who emailed me is able to realize this. His email continues:
“Sometimes she will want me twice a week, other times we go 3 weeks without a word and that’s fine because my way, my goals for me are number 1 in my life. She is now separate from that and has no link to my goals, every time she chases me I get sex, power, and a reinforcement of why I went my own way. I also make sure to control all the condoms. What are your thoughts on this idea? I’m not saying I’m the first guy to have sex with his ex but most guys fall right back into the game and I look at it as a strategy to strengthen my resolve away from the game.”
I responded to him by email with the following message:
I think the situation you’ve described, that you have an ex girl friend who now pursues you for sex, sounds like it might be a pretty good arrangement. But I say that with a few reservations.
Without the history of having formerly been in an intimate relationship with this woman, it would fit nearly into what I would call a friend with benefits. The point of caution in your particular case is that while this woman was your girlfriend, she dumped you for the “cock carousel” as you describe it. You did not say what the circumstances of this dumping were, so I will not make assumptions about cheating or it being a clean break-up.
However, you did mention that you “know how she manipulates and lies [and] know all her tricks”. I will suggest to you that you know many, and possibly most of her tricks. It is almost certain you don’t know all of them. I’m not saying this to belittle you or your perceptive powers, simply that men are almost always less skilled in social manipulation than women. You have also mentioned that you control the disposal of condoms from your sexual encounters with her. But here are a few other things to consider. You have pointed out that she is manipulative. This suggests that while you both have a mutual benefit in your ongoing periodic sexual hook ups, she is still a game player. If she decides it is to her advantage to manipulate you into some negative outcome, she will do so with no compunction. By your own description, the hook-up arrangement you have is not based on trust. In addition, in believing you are a step ahead in her game of manipulation you are almost certainly wrong. This might chafe the ego a bit, but compared to women, men are less skilled players in manipulation.
I would suggest adding a few behavioural protections, beyond simply controlling condom disposal. The suggestions below are samples. If you implement this practice, you will have to apply your own creativity specific to your personal situation.
1. Once in a while, say no to sex.
You might already be doing this, but if not, start now. If you always say yes, she is controlling you – and not just sexually.
2. Disallow her to leave personal items at your home. Also, don’t leave your items at hers.
This is a territory-marking behaviour. If she already has items at your place, bag them up and have her take them on her next visit. If she does not take them, garbage-can whatever she leaves behind.
3. Give her an opportunity to lie to you.
Do this so that you can observe the lie. When it happens, cut her off for at least a month. I would immediately dump any woman or man who lied to me, even a non-sexual friend, but most men are much much less careful.
These are just a few examples. I suggest them because you have described your ongoing sexual encounters with a known manipulator. The sex might be a significant perk, but you are playing a form of Russian roulette by continuing to associate with somebody you admitted is a manipulative game player.
That was the content of my email response to the individual who contacted me. On some reflection, I thought I might have beneficially expanded on my own response with a bit of additional perspective from a friend who I contacted later. She is particularly adept at spotting female manipulation. I had a chance to talk to my friend on the phone, and read her the original message. Her response was immediate and direct.
She said “I am amazed by the stupidity of this man.”
What follows is a close transcription of her comments, as she related them to me in the call.
“She’s manipulative, we’ve established that.
She is entitled, she has the power and she’s getting what she wants each time.
Even if she’s not a sociopath and is just a typical woman, she’s working from a sense of being entitled. Now, he says that she’s pursuing him again because in his own description he is a hell of a catch. That, she wants him back because he’s a catch – what she would really be after is his utility, that he makes a lot of money or something like that. She may be trying to get back together with him because the business of her doing what he wants sexually is one of the main tactics for roping a guy in. She’s not in it for the sex, because she broke that relationship off to go ride the cock carousel. He said in his email that she’s chasing him for sex because he satisfies her needs. No, he doesn’t. If she was in it for the sex she wouldn’t have broken off the relationship – because before they officially broke up, she almost certainly had sex with other guys. She doesn’t want a romantic relationship with him, and she’s not in love with him, because she broke it off with him.
She’s after something else. The least hostile way to get what she actually is after is re-igniting that romantic relationship. When she learns that she won’t get that result, she will use another method to get it. And if that doesn’t work out for her, then she will hurt him. She will make him suffer. And because these two had an intimate relationship – she knows how to do that.
If he wants to know how she will hurt him, he needs only to think of the one thing he knows she would never do. The thing he believes she could never do. Because she knows that would destroy him. That is exactly why she will do it.”
In this transcription, I have left out each instance that my friend said “that idiot”. It was about a dozen times.
She added that he is playing Russian roulette. I also said this in my initial email back to him. But she said he is doing it with all the chambers loaded.
And if he takes this advice seriously, he now has the problem of getting himself out of the alligator’s jaws with the least amount of injury.
It would be nice if breaking contact with an ex was a simple and safe activity. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Because of the ongoing sexual contact, she is positioned to use a false accusation, should she become angry at his removal of himself from this arrangement.
He needs a record of her pursuit of him for sex. Recorded phone calls or text messages and so on, with sex seeking behaviour from her visible in those messages. Because, as my friend pointed out, right now he is in the perfect set up for a false accusation against himself. The accusation might be rape, it might be assault but it will be tailored to what is most personally devastating to him, based on her intimate knowledge of him. When she clues in that she wont be getting what she’s actually after, which is likely his financial utility, she’s going to get vindictive.
She also might decide that the best way to hurt him is socially, or through his employment and work contacts. To protect himself here, the female friend I consulted suggested he warn his friends and co-workers that he has a stalker he is dealing with. A consulting call to the police is also not a bad idea. This means calling the police non emergency number and notifying them that he is breaking up with somebody who he fears may react to the break up with violence or with accusations.
My friend also said that maybe she’s wrong and this woman just wants sex. But she was laughing hard enough that she couldn’t breathe when she said this.